Back in the day, it was normal to get married at 22 years old. My parents did. And most likely so did yours.

You found someone you loved and you created a life together.

Fairly recently, it seems as though no one wants to be Mrs. or Mr. anyone anymore. Everyone wants to be their own person. I am absolutely all for that.

In fact, I think that is what is causing all of these divorces. Or the lack of that, I should say.

People whether young or old, are realizing they have no identity. They don’t know who they are. Look at Linda Hogan (ex-wife of Hulk Hogan), for example. She lived the quintessential American dream life.

Yet, she appeared miserable on so many episodes of the reality show ‘Hogan Knows Best’. Why? I think deep down she was tired of being Mrs. Hulk Hogan. She wanted to be her own person.

Life is all about expressing ourselves. The things we do are expressions of who we are and what we love and the impact we wish to make.

But when you don’t know who you are (how can you at 22 years old?), how can you become your own person?

I think the best relationships are comprised of two solid independent happy people. I say happy even though it’s a very over used word these days because the people who say, “I just wish I had a boyfriend/girlfriend” are not happy people. At least, not by themselves.

If they were truly happy they wouldn’t be complaining that they needed a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

The feeling of ‘love’ is an easy cover up to not figure out who you are and what you love doing whether you get paid for it or not.

Although, it’s beautiful to dream about being a mother and father and living in a big house and being the best wife or husband you can be…there’s more to life. That can’t be your entire life. Or else, your entire life relies on other people making you happy.

And I’m still getting lip about my marriage post. Let me make myself clear. I’m not against marriage. I dream of all the great things I believe marriage has to offer. I dream of it all. Trust me.

But I am against marriage at a young age. I am against going from relationship to relationship.

Until you know who you are and how to be truly happy by yourself; I don’t believe you can truly be happy with anyone else.

But as they say, to each his own.

[Join the conversation over at BrazenCareerist.com here]

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Related posts:

The pursuit of happiness is flawed

Why people become alcoholics

What is your definition of success?

Is this the start of Bar Mitzvah season all over again for us Gen Y-ers? Except the grown up version?

This past Saturday I went to my first engagement party. And again a warm congrats!

I don’t say that facetiously either. Clearly, they are both very happy or else they wouldn’t be going through with this. And the ultimate defense to anything is happiness. If someone says they are happy there’s nothing more you can (or should) say. (Not that I’m trying to stop him.)

I believe happiness is what life is all about. But it’s also relative. I also believe some people are willing to fight way more for their own happiness than others.

Let’s compare girls versus guys for a second. I was having a conversation the other day with a girl who I think is super smart and I respect tremendously. Here is what she said:

“Very often when dating and meeting guys, girls have this mindset that, “Oh I can work with this…” Whereas guys are more likely to think “The grass is greener on the other side” — there’s something better out there. Girls are more likely or willing to work things through, and take what they’ve got and ‘work with it’ as opposed to guys who just think ‘this isn’t good enough - there’s got to be something better’ and don’t try to make what they have work.”

I have my own theory of this that rings to that tone. I hardly ever see a physically attractive guy with a not-so physically attractive girl. Yet, I always see not-so physically attractive dudes with attractive women. What’s the deal?

Well, per my super smart friend, girls are willing to settle if most of the things on their ‘mental check list’ are checked off. They can forgo this and that.

Yet, guys, she says, “Will forgo their entire mental check list – if they even have one- if they meet an attractive girl.”

I disagree. As we all wise and mature, poodles become almost unbearable. At least for me. As they say ‘Beauty fades, dumb is forever!’

I asked her if she’ll ever be 100% sure she knows the person she’s with is for her. She said, “I don’t think so, how can you ever be 100% sure?”

Really? Then how the heck can you commit to being with someone for the rest of your life? (No wonder my marriage post has over 100 comments and counting…)

Going back to the original point. I find it amazing that people settle in the first place.

Why are girls more willing to settle than guys? Isn’t settling an act of desperation?

And could you possibly be a good boyfriend/girlfriend or husband/wife if you’re thinking “there’s something better out there”?

Clearly, something is missing if you’re thinking that, no?

Me: Relax. We’re still so young!

Her: No - you’re young. I’m not.

Me: What? You’re the same age as me!

Her: I’m 35. You’re 18.

Me: What?

Her: A girl at 25 is like 35. A boy at 25 is like 18…

Last week, in a post, I wrote “I’ve met plenty of poodles* that can hardly talk about anything besides their bags, nails and dog.”

So here is my definition of a poodle. I can’t take credit for this term though. My wonderful mother coined this.

A poodle is: A girl (or guy) that believes that looking good is all they need to do. That is their contribution to society.

A poodle could care less about what’s going on in the world, her job (if she has one), her goals (wait, what are those?), how she earns money (Daddy!), how she pays for things (Oh, you mean, like, my credit card bill that my parents pay?), or anything else besides things that involve helping her (or him) to look good.

Now, let me clarify, there is nothing wrong with looking as good as you can. I’m all for it. In fact, that’s what I help people do. That is my biz. I help people feel and look as good as they can. Because when you feel good, you do good. But the doing good part is the key here.

Also, for some reason, these poodles believe that they are God’s gift to the world. They truly believe that because they are good looking they are better than other people. Fascinating. You do realize that you’re mostly born with your looks. Either you got ‘em or you don’t.

Well, that’s not entirely true. Make-up (and sometimes surgery) does work wonders.

But no big deal, if you don’t have looks. After all, they are just looks. For the most part, you didn’t do anything for them. (Doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try to look as good as you can or you shouldn’t try to have the best body you can.)

It’s what’s behind those eyes that really matter. Most of these poodles (male and female) have been spoiled silly their entire lives. So they are used to getting whatever it is they want; without working for it.

Which breeds confidence. Getting what you want by working for it (or, not working for it) is one sure way to increase your confidence. After all, that feels incredible. No wonder business moguls, actors and politicians sleep around. They feel like they are on top of the world.

And of course, confidence, and being comfortable in your own skin is by far the sexiest thing in the world. (Precisely why Melania said she is so attracted to The Donald!)

There’s nothing wrong with being born with a silver spoon in your mouth. It’s not your fault. It’s to your advantage, really. The problem with never working for anything though is that you’ve never strived for anything.

And that my friend, is really boring. People always say, “I wish I was a trust fund baby or the people who are given everything will never have to worry about money anyway, so what’s the difference?”

That’s a pretty pathetic way of looking at it. That means all you care about is money? I don’t believe life is about money. Life is about doing what you love. Life is about the journey. Life is about the pursuit. If you have enough courage to find what you love doing (along with some brains) you’ll wind up making a lot of money.

The hugely important difference between poodles and the rest of us are 4 things that can never be bought, no matter how much money your parents give you, that make all the difference in the world:

Strength. Depth. Character. And perspective.

Instead of being a perfect poodle (which is really boring) try being more like a lovable and interesting George!

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Related post by Christine Hassler with awesome comments: Cutting The Financial Cord

[Check out the conversation over at Brazen Careerist.com!]

I’ve received a lot of email in the past few weeks about my post regarding marriage. My ‘does marriage serve any purpose these days’ post has 85 comments and counting. Obviously, it’s a topic we’re all interested in.

In fact, I’m fascinated by it. The number one question I got is, “Why are you writing about marriage?”

Here’s why:

Because I think it’s remarkable when someone finds the person that they want to spend the rest of their life with. I mean, it took me months and months just to find a web designer/developer I liked and that didn’t even work out. I can only imagine how one must feel when they find the person that they want to spend the rest of their life with.

And that is exactly why I don’t understand why marriage makes sense. However, one day, I truly hope to feel what you married folks do. But until then, I’ll keep it real.

Whenever I’m with a married couple, I often wonder if they are each other’s soul mates or if they settled? Did they really try to find the person that would make them the happiest they could possibly be? Did they try to find their best possible match?

As one reader said, “You need to choose your partner out of love and respect, rather than convenience and security.”

But some people are willing to fight for their happiness way more than others. Most people aren’t willing to risk comfort and security for excitement and thrills whether it’s for love or a career. I happen to believe that settling in any facet of your life is a sure way to be unhappy. That’s unforgivable.

Certainly, telling someone you think that they settled is not something for you to do. It’s their life and if they are happy then that’s all that matters. But how happy are they is what I’m really curious to know. Because as we know; happiness is relative.

There are 3 major questions we all have to answer in life:

How you spend your life, who you spend your life with and where you want to do the first two.

I’m going to leave the third question alone for a while because that’s highly influenced by who you choose to spend your life with. I think who you choose to marry obviously says a lot about you. Actually, it says everything about you (along with how you choose to spend your life). Sometimes, you may wonder what in the world does she/he see in that guy/girl?

Or, you may see a couple that is very unbalanced looks wise. One partner might be a lot more attractive than the other. But of course, looks aren’t everything. I’ve met plenty of poodles* that can hardly talk about anything besides their bags, nails and dog.

But then you always see the fat wealthy business men with their trophy wives. I once read an interview with Melania Trump, and they asked her if she would have married Donald Trump, if he wasn’t so rich. She replied, something along the lines of, “Would he have married me if I wasn’t so beautiful?”

As they say though, “A ten never marries a one.” Which is to say that you get what you are.

Love is blind, of course - but usually for a reason.

*Future blog post

Last week I wrote a post entitled ‘Does getting married serve any purpose these days?’ With 70 + comments (and counting) from people either for or against marriage, it is truly fascinating to read all of the view points. This post generated a lot of buzz and rightfully so.

After all, relationships are what life is about. As Adriana says, “the best things in life are free but not many people realize that.”

Ironically, I never said whether I was for or against marriage. But I certainly don’t believe ‘it’s something you just do’ is a good enough reason. And as one reader said, “I do however think that it’s not a decision to make lightly. You need to be comfortable in your own skin and choose your partner out of love and respect, rather than convenience and security.”

Unfortunately, I think many people do just that. “Wow, we’re 30 years old, we’re dating…I guess we need to get married now…”

A lot of people (for marriage) kept saying ‘marriage is the ultimate commitment.’ It’s something you want to do for the other person because you love them so much.

I understand. I get it. But how do you know when you find the person?

Is there really such a thing as a soulmate? (I have to laugh because as I write this I feel like Carrie but it’s something I’m obviously intrigued by.)

I’m going to assume most people’s idealistic definition of a soulmate is that there is one person on this Earth that is meant for them. I’d love to think so.

Unfortunately, right off the bat, I’m going to have to disagree and here’s why:

I’m going to assume anyone that’s been in an ‘exclusive relationship’ with someone that’s no longer in the same relationship was really into it at one point. Even if it was just for a few months or weeks (or maybe even days) of being totally into that person. And even if the rest of the relationship was you tying to convince yourself that you were. Let’s face it - at one point you were very much into that person. Otherwise why bother?

Or, what if you met the person of your dreams? Your…’soulmate’? It was lust at first sight. (How can there be such a thing as love at first site anyway? It would only be your mind convincing yourself that you loved that person, no?)

But eventually they broke your heart.

I don’t think we should ever regret anything in our lives that has made us happy - at one point.

But we’ve all heard people when reflecting back on a break up, that they were initially distraught over, years later say, “That was the best thing that ever happened to me.” Again, your brilliant mind playing tricks on you – and rationalizing.

But thing is, it really may have been the best thing that ever happened to them. In their dark days they learned a heck a lot about themselves. But you can only get hurt by people who mean a great deal to you.

But then why do people always say, “How I dated that person is beyond me, what was I thinking?” Again, your mind partly rationalizing.

In reality, the only people who can truly believe in soulmates are those that truly believe they found their soulmates. But can’t that just be your mind convincing yourself that you did?

Lately, I feel like people left and right are getting married or engaged. In fact, one of my boys (and old roommate) recently got engaged. Congrats again bro.

But is marriage a natural thing?

Are we supposed to be with the same person for the rest of our lives?

The divorce rates are alarming. 50% is the latest number. 1 out of 2 couples are going to wind up marrying their ex-husband/wife. That’s insane and divorce is certainly not something to be taken lightly; especially with kids.

My parents got separated when I was 4 years old and divorced soon after that. I remember being the only kid in my elementary school with divorced parents. But then as I got older it seemed like more and more parents were getting divorced and I was no longer in the minority.

So what is the point of marriage if 1 out of 2 happy couples are choosing to ruin their perfectly good relationship?

Let’s explore:

Social - security: Meaning whenever you’re bored, you always have something to do. But what happens if you’re never bored?

Financial - security: If you marry someone who will be rich, or is rich, or both, you will certainly be rich. A lot of people will do crazy things for money, unfortunately. But what if you have your own money?

Caring - security: You have someone who will do anything in the world for you. Nice. But there are plenty of single people who have friends/family who will do anything in the world for them too and plenty of married people who don’t.

Sexual - security: You always have someone to be intimate with that you hopefully truly care about. That’s cool. Not much I can say about that, however, there are plenty of single people who don’t have to worry about that. And there are plenty of married people who still do.

Children: I’m starting to believe that there is no reason for ‘marriage’ unless you are going to have children together. What’s the difference between a non-married couple living together and a married couple living together?

Nothing! My sister and bro-in-law lived together before they got married. Nothing changed…except my sister’s last name.

So what does marrying someone actually do? Some might argue that it provides security. You always have someone and they just can’t pick up and leave.

Here’s my counter. The type of person that’s living with their significant other and is willing to move out of your apartment and start all over again…is definitely the same type of person who’d divorce you. And why the heck would you want to be with someone if they don’t want to be with you anyway?

I think marriage is just a contract. Like any contract there are pros and cons. There are exciting parts of the deal and not so exciting parts of the deal.

And ultimately, I think marriage is something people just do. It just happens. Like becoming a cog in a wheel.

Except in a nice way.

[Update: Join the awesome debate on BrazenCareerist.com!!!!]