Category: Life

I’ve become fascinated with websites of the deceased, who are generous enough to share their final thoughts with the world.

Never before has there been such an easy way for people to express themselves. And of course, once something is posted on the internet, it will live on forever.

Derek Miller, who passed away on May 3^rd, had a prepared message for his blog – where he had been documenting the progression of his cancer.

You can read his amazingly powerful last post by clicking here.

Then there’s the suicide note from Bill Zeller, a talented computer programmer who left an explanation of why he took his own life. It’s a 4000 line note that’s heartbreaking as well.

And we all know Randy Pausch – who became famous for sharing his wisdom at his last lecture.

These people all had the unfortunate (or fortunate?) knowledge of their impending death. They were able to plan for it.

But most people aren’t able to plan for their death…

Which leads me to the question, should we?

Pausch was able to share as much of him self as he possibly could with his children. He made videos for them, wrote letters for them in the future, and even wrote a book.

As all premature death is absolutely heartbreaking and tragic, I’d hate for my nephew, Landon, to be left without any of my thoughts.

Not because I think I’m so brilliant but because I’ve lived for a lot longer than he has, and with that comes some insight and experience and wisdom.

Ernest Becker’s classic, The Denial of Death reminds us that when it comes to our mortality, there is no uncertainty principle. We will die, he reminded us. We cannot not die.

Yet, it is what we do in a doomed attempt to refute the irrefutable first principle that defines us and gives our lives meaning.

Becker believed that each of us makes sense of our existence through an “immortality project” – a personal mission that allows us to cheat death. Whether it is by turning out babies or books or blog posts or students, creating companies or helping to build them, or collecting model trains or Facebook friends – whatever they might be – we all have our immortality project(s).

Here’s a question: If you knew you were going to be dying soon, and had the choice for your kids or nieces/nephews to have videos of you talking to them would you? Would you write letters for them?

What’s on the internet will live forever, and that’s a crazy thought. Things that are said about me today will always be available. That brings into the discussion of legacy. When you die, how do you want people to remember you?

(What also astonishes me about this is how many people on the internet are willing to tarnish their reputation for a quick buck. Reputation is truly priceless. For example, I offer a 100% money back guarantee for MBT. I’m very proud of that the fact no one has ever asked for a refund because my program actually works – but if they did – I’d be a complete idiot not to honor that – wouldn’t I?! Yet…)

Not only would my prospective clients be able to see those complaints online but my nephew would see that one day too.

I’m amazed that more people don’t consider what they do online to be a part of their legacy.

What if you God forbid passed away tomorrow?

While we’re on the topic, if you’ve ever wondered what the regrets of the actual dying are you must read this post by Bonny Ware – who worked in palliative care for many years. When her patients were questioned about any regrets they had or anything they’d do differently 5 common themes came up again and again.

I’m always in search of litmus tests for varying aspects of life. For example, if you want to know what someone really cares about read this. Well, here’s my latest…

If you want to know what someone is really passionate about, ask them who they’d have lunch with if it could be anyone in the world besides their family or friends.

Growing up I dreamed of playing in the NBA. I honestly believed I was going to make it…until, I was in 8^th grade or so.

I dedicated my life to it. I attended basketball camp all summer long from 8am to 4pm. I’d get home; quickly grab a snack and then train intensely on my own all afternoon into the evening. Ever hear of Jump Soles? Well, you’d find me running on the street, and in my driveway doing drills with them on.

By summers end (of my last devoted summer), my goal was to be able to dunk. Unfortunately for me: White Man Can’t Jump. (Although, I was easily able to touch the rim which was a huge accomplishment for me!)

(I still played JV/Varsity basketball but it was never the same once I realized I wasn’t good enough to make the NBA) I also remember watching sports all the time. Who could ever forget the good old Sundays of the NBA on NBC back when Jordan was playing?

Or, if I was watching college basketball 60 minutes would come on once the games were over. Ugh, 60 minutes? I’d turn it off and go finish (actually start) my homework that was due on Monday.

About 4 years ago, I realized 60 minutes was one of my favorite shows. It’s absolutely fascinating. Every story is interesting. No, this isn’t a promotion for 60 minutes but it’s certainly proof that our tastes evolve.

So back to my litmus test: When I was growing up, if you asked me who I’d have lunch with I would’ve said Michael Jordan in less than a heart beat. Sadly, I had many dreams of playing basketball with him in my driveway. The best dreams of him, though, were when he’d be in my kitchen having lunch and I’d have time to call my friends and invite them over. Those were some disappointing mornings, let me tell you.

Anyway, if you asked me who I’d have lunch with now it would absolutely be a self-made entrepreneur. There are not many more impressive things to me than someone who starts out with a little and ends with a lot. (A lot doesn’t have to be money, by the way. It could be power although often linked to money but influence, access, free time and impact to name a few.)

While my goal isn’t to become a billionaire like Mark Cuban, I’m still fascinated by him and many others.

There’s something to be said about creating your own way in this world. There’s something to be said about those who are completely self-made from scratch. People who work for what they have, instead of having things handed to them, are just so much more interesting. You can’t buy that perspective and depth it gives you. You can’t fake it nor can you successfully mask it.

While entrepreneurship makes me tick, it probably doesn’t make you tick. I’ve argued before against being an entrepreneur unless you’re practically possessed by your idea because you believe in it so much.

And I’d argue that if you’re dying to find out what your passion is or what you’re truly interested in – ask yourself, “Who would I have lunch with if it could be anyone in the world besides my family or friends?”

I think it’s a very telling question.

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If you think you have too many passions, you might enjoy this post.

[Check out the comments over at BrazenCareerist.com]

Do you think your current job best suits you? I doubt it.

I think we sort of fall into our careers. I don’t know many people who deliberately set out to do what they do. At least those doing out of the ordinary things.

Imagine if you were born knowing you had the natural ability to be the world’s best heart surgeon, or lawyer, or mechanic.

On the flip side, maybe you thought you had more talent in some field than you do, and wasted a lot of time preparing for the wrong career.

How does a law or medical student even know if they would actually like being a lawyer or doctor?

Here’s the problem we all face: We delude ourselves every day. We’re also heavily influenced by our own passion, optimism and pessimism.

And we’re influenced by other people’s opinions of our abilities. If you were showing an aptitude for math early on people might have encouraged you to pursue finance or accounting. If you were excelling in biology then you might have been pushed to go to medical school.

Like to argue? “You should be a lawyer!” everyone says.

The problem is other people are just as clueless as you.

So, if you can’t trust your own opinions and the opinions of those around you, whose can you trust?

You need to focus on getting feedback from the right people. People who’ve been in the game you’re trying to play in long enough to recognize talent.

For example, the right people for MBT for me to really listen to are those that have tried everything under the sun. Many clients have told me that MBT is the most effective program they’ve ever come across.

This sounds like lip service. But I wouldn’t have invested (and continue to do so) as much time, effort and money as I did into MBT if I wasn’t getting feedback like this.

I have a client that’s written a NY Times Bestselling Diet book. She was even on Oprah. (One day I hope to introduce you to her.) Another client runs a world-renown weight loss clinic. (I hope to introduce you to her as well.)

And many clients have been on and off diets for years trying anything and everything.

Sure, I listen to the delighted client who lost 20 pounds.

However, it’s the clients that have been in the game for years that I really listen to because if they didn’t like my program, or believe in it, it would be time to close up shop.

Who are you listening to?

I have the ski bug.

I tried skiing for the first time at the end of last season. Before that, I had never put skis on.

In the morning, I took a group lesson with 15 other people who were very much beginners. First, we learned that if you want to go faster you need to put your skis in the shape of French fries (straight).  And if you want to stop you need to put your skis in the shape of a pizza (wedge). Apparently this is the way kids are taught. Hey, I’m all for simplicity!

Before we learned how to ski we had to learn how to put the boot into the ski though. Then we learned how to walk/slide with only one ski on. Next, we learned how to put the other boot into the other ski. Now I had two skis on!

Very quickly, I realized that skis go with gravity! Even though I was on a tiny hill, I started moving! “Quick! Make that pizza!” the instructor said. Whew. That was close.

The 3-hour lesson flew by. Oddly, we didn’t really learn how to ski at all.

It seemed as though the only way to learn how to ski is by actually skiing. And there in lies the challenge!

Let’s say you want to learn how to swim. You decide it’s finally time to overcome your fear of water.

So, you find a local gym or pool club. Maybe there’s even a public pool that you weren’t aware of.

Then you look online (or in the Yellow pages) to find a swim instructor. After plenty of wrong numbers, you find someone who’s really passionate and experienced.

Next, you need to get the gear! You look online and find a bathing suit. Ohh, there’s one you like. Eh, you don’t really like it, after all. You go to another website.

You find the bathing suit! Ugh, it’s not in stock! After spending 3 hours searching you finally find the one.

What about goggles? Can’t swim without goggles!

Finally, the big day comes. It’s the day of your first lesson.

But you realize that you don’t have any shoes to wear by the pool! Whoops! You can’t swim without any shoes to wear around the pool!

So you cancel and reschedule.

You’ve done everything you could possibly do BUT swim. Sometimes, no matter what, we just gotta jump in the pool!

Back to pizza and French fries.

Because the only way to learn how to ski is by actually skiing, it makes it very scary. You have to push yourself. You have to be willing to fall. At first, I was very timid. However, by the end of the afternoon, I was trying to fall. Because I knew if I wasn’t falling I wasn’t pushing myself.

This past New Year’s I was in Vermont. It was my second time skiing. By noon the first day, I felt very confident going down the mountain. (Ya know, the bunny slope.)

Then my friends encouraged me to get a full lift ticket for the afternoon and the following day (actually they made me). In the Gondola we went, up the enormous mountain. It felt like the longest 20+ minutes of my life. We were so high up, we were in the clouds.

Finally, we got out and it was a full on blizzard. The conditions were nothing like it was down below!

My confidence quickly faded as I began falling over and over again. My friends joked that I was break dancing down the mountain. Each time, I tried to figure out what I was doing wrong. I’d start to go very fast and lose control. But the only way to get control was to experience what it felt like to be out of control. Aha, I wasn’t turning enough!

By the end of second and final day skiing, I felt very confident. Of course, until next time, when I’ll be forced to go down double black diamonds.

If you want to learn how to ski you can’t be afraid of falling. Actually, you need to embrace falling!

It’s so hard to overcome that resistance. According to my instructor, many first time skiers don’t really ever ski because of that.

But whenever I was in doubt (which was most of the time), I’d look for a 3 year old whizzing by.

If they could do it (without any poles), I could do it!

They’re lucky. They’re AFF!

Why do we do certain things even though they are against our desires? Even though they are against what we said we’d do? Ah the human condition. How it never ceases to fascinate me.

Why do we continue to believe money is the key to happiness yet research proves relationships are?

(According to Harvard psychologist, Daniel Gilbert, it’s $40,000.Yet, most of us will continue to strive for more and more. We’d be better off working on teaching ourselves how to look at our money with a different eye.)

The “hedonic treadmill” describes our amazing ability to adapt quickly to changed circumstances.

The reason why the treadmill never ends is because our amazing ability to adapt also makes novelty wear off very quickly. If our circumstances improve, we soon become accustomed to those new comforts.

Let’s say you treat yourself to the plasma TV you’ve wanted for so long. Sure, it’ll be really cool once you get it, but not long after you do, it’ll be old news.

As Aldous Huxley said, “Habit converts luxurious enjoyments into dull and daily necessities.”

How about the “arrival fallacy”? The arrival fallacy is a fallacy because, though you may anticipate great happiness in arrival, arriving rarely makes you as happy as you anticipate.

By the time you’ve arrived at your goal (whatever it may be), you’re expecting to reach it, so it has already been incorporated into your happiness.

The trick is to learn to enjoy the process of reaching that destination. (Something I really work hard on with my clients. Because when the journey is the reward in itself, it’s a lot easier to stick with it.)

We’re incredibly good at rationalizing behaviors. We can justify any behavior we engage in; even if we feel bad afterward.

That’s why it’s so important to look at what people do. And not what they say. Or read. Or watch.

That’s why it’s so interesting to look at people’s revealed preferences versus their stated preferences.

I’m constantly asking my clients what they want.

However, many clients have said they wanted a feature and didn’t wind up using it during testing. Others have said they wouldn’t use a feature and wound up loving it.

Who do you listen to?

Here’s a perfect example of stated versus revealed preferences stated and revealed by a McDonald’s executive.

“Our customers want mediocre food cheap. Every time we release a higher priced but higher quality product, the people who said they would pay for it never do.

You say you want more fruits, salads, organic, all natural, etc. Well then start buying that stuff and stop buying double cheeseburgers. Our best selling stuff is always whatever we can make taste good, at rock bottom prices.

We’ve actually learned not to listen to our customers when it comes to a lot of things. Health nuts won’t come into McDonald’s to eat even when we give them what they want.”

The funny thing is I’ve always wondered why McDonald’s didn’t offer super nutritious foods at higher prices. “I’d go there! I’d pay for it” I used to think. But I don’t. And when I rarely do, it’s not for health food.

It always comes back to watching what people do.

Not what they say.

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This goes hand in hand with my “How to tell what someone really cares about” post.

9 months ago, I wrote a post about which passion you should pursue; if you’re lucky and have more than one.

But what if you don’t know what your passion is? Actually, forget that. What if you don’t know what you really want out of your life?

How will you ever get it? You won’t because you have no idea what you’re even pursuing.

I call this the “Interior Decorator Problem”. If you know your style and your likes and dislikes why pay someone to decorate your own home? People pay interior decorators when they have no idea what they want or like. (Or, they just don’t want to be bothered with decorating their house.)

I think many of us have the “Interior Decorator Problem” and are running around like organic chickens with our heads cut off.

Let me explain: When I’m working with my clients I try to find out their core motivation. I want to know why they really want to get in shape.

How about an aspiring entrepreneur? Whenever I get requests for advice (which I love) I’m curious to know why they really want to start the business in the first place.

If it’s not to solve a problem they have or because they feel they must start this business my advice usually is to not bother starting it at all. Because if it’s based on money, not only will they get bored, but there’s an even deeper reason why they want the money, that could be obtained without starting a business, which I’ve said before is only something you should do if you’re nuts.

However, once you know what you want, it’s so much easier to work backwards, and actually make it happen.

Many people believe that feeling guilty after eating something that’s unhealthy is ridiculous. If you want it – just eat it, they say. But can you really control guilt?

I think guilt comes from knowing that your actions (say, eating crap) aren’t in alignment with what you really want (say, weight loss, a flat stomach, more energy, looking good in jeans, etc.). In fact, when there is a disconnect between our actions and desires unhappiness will ensue.

I believe we all know exactly what we want when it comes to our health and fitness goals. I’ve never met anyone who doesn’t want to be healthy and fit nor someone who doesn’t have a dream vision of themselves.

It’s just that fear, excuses, rationalizations and justifications by our short term self convince our long term self we don’t want it when it comes to our health and fitness.

(That’s why self-aware people are the most successful. They don’t delude themselves into believing they’re taking action when they’re really not. Or, that they need don’t help when they clearly do.)

But health and fitness is one thing. Figuring out what to do with your life (one of the 3 questions we all have to try to answer) is another.

So working backwards again, maybe if you feel guilty or sick to your stomach, you know for sure that’s not what you want do with your life.

And knowing what you don’t want is certainly a key to finding out what you do want.

It takes a lot of focus to achieve anything worth achieving. But it’s so easy to lose focus if you’re not 100% certain that’s what you want.

Chances are if you’re not putting forth the effort, you don’t want what you thought you wanted. (I believe what we all want out of life, if you don’t have it already, is a lot closer than most people realize.)

But like all human beings we waver. We teeter. We jog in place.

All while reaching for more.

The other day after I got off the phone with a friend/adviser who told me how mature I am for my age I started to think about what he really meant. He’s been telling me this since I first met him my junior year of college when my then business (Ultimate Discount Card) was starting to take off.

He always used to say, “Dude, you have to relax a little. You’re very mature for your age. You’re going to be a rock star. Relax.”

He wasn’t the first person to tell me that I needed to relax. He also wasn’t the first person to tell me how mature I was/am for my age.

People have been telling me how mature I am since I was a little kid. I’m sure you got the same thing.

Let’s explore what that even means and why someone would say that.

Well, there are several different types of maturity (emotional, intellectual, physical) and what I think most people are referring to is ones emotional maturity.

You know: You’re ability to deal with the bad and the good, your perspective on life, knowing what’s really important (the standard will this matter in 5 years from now is always a recommended question to ask yourself although I think that’s a little hokey) and what’s really not, knowing when to be serious and when it’s okay to let loose, how you deal with rejection, etc.

Certainly, it would be a little condescending to tell a grown man how mature he is. You’re only going to tell someone younger than you or a peer how mature they are.

Do you find yourself telling younger siblings, friends, advise seekers how mature they are for their age?

To me it seems as though telling someone how mature they are is your approval of the way they think. You feel that because of the way they think – they’ll be just fine. After all, you turned out just fine, right?

You also might recognize yourself in that person. Similar thought processes with similar perspectives and conclusions. It takes one to know one.

For example, every person who has told me how ‘mature’ I am at some point in my life seemed to have their life together.

This happened a lot especially when I was a little boy growing up with divorced parents. In elementary school, I was the only kid in my grade with divorced parents. (Sadly, as I grew up it seemed as though having divorced parents wasn’t so uncommon.)

Growing up with divorced parents (since I was 4 years old) forced me to deal with a lot of things most kids didn’t have to deal with. But I am exactly who I am today because of everything that has happened in my life for the good, the bad and the ugly and I am very grateful for that.

However, one can only wonder does shit have to happen to you to gain emotional intelligence? To appreciate good does one have to endure bad? To know what’s really important doesn’t one have to know what’s not in the grand scheme of life?

To be able to effectively deal with reality doesn’t one have to be forced to deal with the cards they were dealt and make the best of it?

What about those that weren’t forced to deal with unpleasant situations? You can’t hold that against them, of course. Unless, they are a poodle. But are they at a disadvantage to face the real world where there reality isn’t always made as perfectly as their bed was?