My nephew, Landon Jay Uvenio!
Birthday wishes to my mom on her 60th!
It must have been no later than 4:15 in the morning when my mom woke me up abruptly. “Let’s go! Wake up!! We’re going to Disney World!!!” she said excitingly. “But what about our bags, Mommy?!” “They’re all packed and ready to go!”
I was 5 years old at the time and my mom always tried to fill my (and my sisters) life with plenty of adventure.
Like the time we walked to the local deli for lunch on a Saturday afternoon. What was usually a 10 minute car ride felt like 5 hours by foot!
My mom has an amazing sense of humor. She dressed me up as a Chassidic Rabbi for my first Halloween in pre-school. When I was less than 3 months old, my grandparents in Florida met me for the first time in a Superman costume. Apparently, I was a big hit on the plane!
But my mom is not only fun and games. Although she’s one of the most creative people I know, she’s definitely the most hardworking! She has taken on all sorts of jobs and businesses throughout the years, all while working full time as a high school English teacher, to make our life better. And remarkably, as late as she would come home, she always insisted we eat dinner together and would first start cooking.
Her businesses ranged from a house keeper placement agency to Home Grown Poems to a SAT tutoring business to her current business of selling aviation apparel. While each of them has brought many memories, none will ever surpass the time my sister and I, along with my mom, sang lyrics to a woman who had hired her to ghost write a song.
My mom has always loved animals. Or more so bears! Our beloved George, a black 230 pound Newfoundland, is our biggest yet. She fell in love with the breed when a bear was roaming around my neighbor’s lawn and they called her to take care of it. Of course, my mom walked right up to it with no fear and looked at the collar to find the bear’s owner and the rest was history…we were getting a Newfoundland!
My mom is a teacher at heart though. Whether it’s teaching our dogs tricks or inspiring her students, I’ll never forget when her high school, Grady, was in the state finals at Madison Square Garden. As I was a little boy, who only dreamed of playing at MSG one day professionally, it was quite intimidating. But nothing was more intimidating than what seemed like 1000’s of students stomping and screaming, “Ms. Gilbert! Ms. Gilbert! Ms. Gilbert!” as they rolled out a red carpet for my mom that led to our seats!
However, not of all her students were always inspired. I’ll never forget when my mom came in the house absolutely drenched after Howard had pushed her into the pool as she was trying to sweep around it.
As my mom was absolutely furious, and my sister and I were rolling on the floor laughing, her huge heart eventually forgave our English Sheepdog.
In fact, it’s her huge heart that inspired Terence Winter. Terry, her former student, credits his success to my mom. And as Terry has clearly reached the top of his game having been a writer/executive producer for the Sopranos and now working with Leonardo DiCaprio, and Martin Scorsese on the ‘Wolf of Wall Street’, I hope my mom feels like she’s at the top of hers!
She has two kids that absolutely respect, love and adore her to death, a grandson on the way (very much on the way!), a dog that looks forward to being spoiled by her, a loving second-husband, an incredible sister, and a wonderful tight group of loyal friends and family.
I think of the morning she woke us up at 4:15 sometimes, and it makes me think of all the selfless, amazing, giving things my mom did while my sister and I were growing up, and that she still does today.
So, as her birthday is tomorrow the 25th, and in effort to keep this short because I can go on and on with countless memories and so many things I’m grateful for, I’ll end off simply, as my mom would like it, and exactly how my mom has signed every one of her cards to date.
I love your guts!
Xoxoxo
-Ad
Do people who get married younger take less risks?
Life is ultimately about 3 actionable questions: Where you live, what you do with it and who you share it with.
If you’re lucky in love and you meet your ‘partner’ in life at a very early age (say high school – college) you may feel as though you’re done and ready to focus on what you want to do.
I think we’re all wired to tolerate a certain level of risk. But even more so, how we’re raised impacts this tremendously. If your parents are conservative, chances are you’ll be too. If your parents bet the farm – you probably would too.
Let’s say you meet an amazing person. She/he has everything you could ever want. And you’re really happy with them. You’re extremely content! But you’re in high school or college. Or maybe just a few years out of college when you meet them.
This person becomes all you ever know. But just because you’re extremely close and comfortable with one another does that mean this person is for you?
How could you be 1000% certain when it comes to your significant other especially when you meet at such a young age?
And to be clear, I’m not saying you aren’t happy. But what if you could be even happier? You’ll never know. Or will you?
The person who thinks the grass is always greener would probably make an insanely hard decision and want to test the waters.
The more conservative person would probably fight through their thoughts and doubts and make the best of it.
Clearly, they are both risky but one is riskier.
You’d think single people are able to take more risks than married people. I’m curious to know whether someone who holds out for marriage until say their late 20’s or 30’s is a much bigger risk taker than the person who gets married in their early to mid 20’s.
Would a married person make different business decisions than a single person? Could the person who waited until later in life to get married be a lot more patient?
Most corporate bios include if the person is married and has children. Is it because marriage is a sign of stability?
But maybe getting married early can be a sign of impatience and being highly risk adverse?
In places where marriage happens at a young age is economic development the slowest? According to this link it is.
Could it be that places with an early age of marriage have less entrepreneurs?
Could your soul mate from college or high school be impeding your growth professionally?
[Some interesting comments over at BrazenCareerist.com]
What came first the chicken or the egg?
I’ve been thinking a lot about the chicken or the egg debate. Well sort of.
It seems as though we all have our own chicken or the egg debate. Whether it’s with your fitness goals, business goals, career goals or anything else that you’re pursuing.
What came first the results or the effort?
It seems as though we’re all obsessed with results. We work our tails off only for results. We make healthy choices only for results. We run an extra 5 minutes only for results. We make a sacrifice worth making only for results. We stay late at work only for results.
But when the results don’t happen when we want them to occur, the first thing we want to change is the amount of effort we put forth.
It’s interesting. However, the amount of effort you put forth absolutely has a direct impact on the results you’ll get.
And yet when we see results we become even more motivated and are willing to put forth more effort!
It seems as though results can either make or break the effort dial. See results and you’ll turn up the dial. Don’t see results when you want to and you’ll turn it down.
Here is what I can assure you of:
When it comes to your health and fitness goals, your body never lies. You can think you’re fooling yourself. But in the end your body always tells the truth.
Whether it’s in the first 25 seconds of the game or the last 25 seconds every basket counts towards the final score. Individually each basket may not seem like it matters much but collectively they matter immensely!
The amount of effort you put forth really does matter. Whether it’s running for an extra 5 minutes, working an hour longer on your dream, or sending that extra email it all counts!
Results will happen. Your body has no choice but to work its magic when you’re eating right and exercising consistently! Want results quicker? Turn up the effort dial.
Is your business slowing down a bit? Turn up the effort dial!
Is your career not progressing as quickly as you want it to? Turn up the effort dial!
There are a lot of things we can’t control. Our peers, our genetics, and our economic environment to name a few.
But the one thing we can all control is the amount of effort we put forth when it comes to pursuing things worth pursuing!
And usually when we need the most amount of effort we wind up putting forth the least amount of effort. It’s very easy to get discouraged when we don’t see results when we expect to. But if you turn up the effort dial results will happen!
Stop playing the chicken or the egg game!
Instead start playing the effort one.
Do dumb people really exist?
When I was in a junior in High School I had my first taste of tutoring. I was in the National Honor Society and because of that I was able to put my name down on a list to become a tutor for kids in the district.
I was asked to pick which subjects I felt comfortable in. I chose them all. Simply because I didn’t want to limit my opportunities by only choosing my favorite subjects. We were told we could charge $20 per hour. I had just gotten my car and it seemed like a perfect after school gig.
My first student was Ethan. He was an 8th grader who was failing social studies, science and math.
He loved sports. He loved hanging out with his friends. He liked cool cars. He liked all of the typical teenage boy stuff, really.
His parents were divorced and his mom was always incredibly grateful and appreciative for my coming over even though she was paying me.
Immediately, I could tell Ethan was hanging out with the wrong kids. His friends – from what I gathered – didn’t think doing well in school was cool. So unfortunately he didn’t think doing well in school was cool.
I met with Ethan twice per week for an hour. Usually in middle school you have a test about every 3-4 weeks. So most of the time, I’d watch him do his homework and then we’d review it. And before exams we’d go over the outline for the tests and review.
But before we did any of that we’d spend at least 5 minutes talking. 5 minutes seems like nothing. But talking about ‘life’ with an 8th grader for 5 minutes is more meaningful conversation than most kids get.*
When I was done with Ethan he was a confident 8th grader getting only A’s and B’s.
Did I make him smarter? Of course not. He made himself smarter. He’s the one that put forth the effort. Not me.
I got more out of it than he did. Ethan helped me realize how powerful inspiration and coaching could be. He also made me believe that ‘dumb’ people don’t exist. Just people who don’t care.
I started to believe most learning disabilities were a joke because his mother had told me that Ethan’s teachers felt he had one.
I also started to wonder what would’ve happened to Ethan if the National Honor Society didn’t offer peer tutoring for $20 per hour.
Clearly he didn’t have a learning disability. He had a caring disability. And I believe most kids who are classified as learning disabled have just that. Either you give a shit. Or you don’t. It’s that simple. Whether you come from a beautiful family or a broken one – how much you care in school – is what will determine whether you’re ‘dumb’ or not.
I know several people who have learning disabilities along with ADD yet they can watch hours of TV or even read books for hours on subjects that interest them. Subjects that they care about!
I’ve read countless case studies of people who were labeled as ‘dumb’ or a ‘failure’ but wound up making it big once they found what really got them going. But what if these people didn’t have the opportunity to find out what they cared about? What if Ethan didn’t have the opportunity to have me show him why he should care in the first place?
Interestingly enough, I’ve had this post written for over a year and I just finished Outliers: The story of success by Malcolm Gladwell. Although effort and skill are hugely important, Gladwell argues that opportunity is even more important.
*According to Donald E. Wetmore the average working person spends less than 30 seconds a day in meaningful communication with their children.
The story we tell (and sell) ourselves on and how it affects you
Did you ever realize that you tell yourself a story about yourself? We all do.
In fact, the story you tell yourself about yourself is simply your ego. We all have an ego. Some way bigger than others but we all have one. Your ego is essentially the way you perceive yourself. Or the story you tell yourself about yourself.
We all have an ongoing story that we tell ourselves. And it becomes very easy to connect random occurrences into a story that makes sense to us.
In other words, we’ll rationalize everything. This is good and bad. It’s good because if we didn’t have the miraculous ability to rationalize everything that goes on around us and what we do, we wouldn’t be able to function in this insanely chaotic world.
But it’s bad because if something we do doesn’t fit into our story we tend to ignore it.
For example, the person who thinks they are extremely honest and full of integrity. When they do something that lacks integrity they will somehow completely ignore it and rationalize it.
They will chalk it up to “something” other than being dishonest. It just doesn’t fit in with the story they want to tell themselves about themselves so it gets omitted from their story.
What about the story you tell yourself about other people? You ever wonder how a person doesn’t ‘see’ what everyone else sees. Are they blind? Are they stupid?
You know. The boyfriend/girlfriend that is constantly cheating but their girlfriend/boyfriend is in complete denial and doesn’t (want to!) believe it.
The boyfriend/girlfriend who thinks their other half can do no wrong.
We’ve all seen it. And it’s amazing (yet sometimes sad) to see it from the outside in. But it usually takes being on the outside to see it! Because of the story we tell ourselves.
Being self-aware certainly helps. However, we’re all only self-aware to an extent because of this phenomenon.
We all think (and want to think!) we’re a certain way (based on our story) and we all think the people in our lives are a certain way (based on the story we tell ourselves about that person).
Now when you start to pay attention to your actions – as opposed to your story – it starts to get interesting.
Because your story is the person you really want to be. Your actions, of course, are you! You can’t define anyone but by their actions.
Your friend can be the greatest friend in the world. Your boyfriend/girlfriend can be the greatest person in the world too.
That’s all fine and dandy. But to me being is very subjective.
He/she might be great. But unless he/she does great I won’t know that. And your boyfriend/girlfriend might be full of integrity but do they actually act with integrity and honesty?
Do we marry our parents? And how you might be able to find the right significant other
One of the questions I’m fascinated with is why people date certain people. And I’m pretty convinced that women look to date men like their father and guys look to date women like their mother, whether they realize it or not.
Take for example, the typical ‘poodle’ as I call it. Her father buys, and has bought, her everything she could ever want. She has no sense of want or desire. Because everything she has ever wanted was given to her. She typically, will go for the very wealthy guy who can give her the kind of life her father did.
What about the girl that just can’t get enough of the bad boy? Sadly, the girl’s father probably didn’t pay much attention to her. She’s now attracted to guys that don’t give her the time of day; the guy that treats her like crap.
Don’t confuse this with the, ‘I want it because I can’t have it’ conundrum. That’s just basic human psychology.
And if underneath all of the cat and mouse – the person you’re chasing isn’t at all like your father/mother you might just be wasting your time!
Now, of course whom you ‘think’ you should date and ‘want to’ date is very different than what we do date. The old, “I wish I liked her/him more!” or, “He/she’s perfect on paper but…”
In one of my past relationships, after having a few drinks I remember saying to the girl, “You remind me of my mom.” She laughed and said, “You remind me so much of my father!” Well that relationship didn’t last and it turned out she wasn’t very much like my mother at all. And I’m sure I wasn’t as much like her father as she had hoped.
We all know what we know. Obviously!
“All people cheat!” the guy exclaims. No, actually all people don’t cheat. He cheats! Therefore, he thinks all people cheat. That’s known as projection.
But I think being aware of this concept can help your love life too. Since we all know what we know, and we’re used to what we know; maybe you should just try to find a guy or girl who is like your father/mother!
The challenge, though, is when you have a dysfunctional relationship with your mother/father. If you’re a girl and your father isn’t a part of your life and never showed you much attention – you’re probably going to be attracted to guys like that.
That’s when it gets tricky. Because you know you should date ‘the nice guy’ but you seem to keep dating the same guys over and over.
If you don’t have a great relationship with your parents – why not seek in a man or a woman exactly what it is that you wished your father or mother was? I know this is a lot easier said than done. But if you can learn to look for the qualities in your s/o that you would like in your father/mother you might save yourself a lot of heartache down the line.
It gets interesting when you start to look at couples and see how close their significant other is to their own father/mother. I wonder if this could be a predictor of how successful a marriage will be?
Just for the record: This is just a theory. And may or may not work. Although I try to help my clients with many of the challenges they face in their lives, I’m not a relationship expert. I don’t play one on TV either.
[Some interesting comments over at BrazenCareerist.com!]
Banter never, ever, gets old! (How to tell if you’re close with someone)
When you can call someone out on their bullshit, and they laugh, you know you’re very close to them. If you can tease someone and they laugh you also know you’re very close to them.
Witty banter is amazing. I can’t get enough of it. I crave it. With girls and guys!
In fact, one of the jobs of your close friends (or brother in law) is to bust your chops! But it’s in a loving way.
For example, one of my buddies and I go back and forth. I’ll be cracking up as he’s making fun of me in person or via technology. We know each others quirks.
Most of his jokes are about my height. So he calls me a midget! (Hey, at 5’ 8” I wasn’t blessed with the genetics that would’ve helped to make the NBA. But I’m cool with it.)
[Side story, when I first met my favorite author after emailing back and forth for a while the first thing he said was, “Wow, I thought you’d be a lot taller!” As I was puzzled he said, “Take that as a compliment!”]
I can’t get enough of it as I’m hoping he goes on and on.
Then it’s my turn. I call him a fucking string bean! (He happens to be over 6 feet tall. But lucky for me he’s very narrow. He also has legs like a female runway model.)
While his jokes are usually about stepping on me and mine are about him fitting into unreasonably narrow spaces, even if we know what we’re going to say, it’s still funny!
If there’s no banter, there’s no relationship. If a person can’t laugh at themselves then I’ll never be close with them.
And if there’s no banter with a girl, it just won’t work out. I need a girl that can tease me back!
But you have to be able to laugh at yourself!
How about this email exchange between my friends from college as we’re trying to decide where to eat this past Friday:
One of my best friends says: I don’t know if I can do dinner but I was thinking we can pregame somewhere at like 9ish and then decide on a place to go so we’re not aimlessly walking around NYC like a bunch of Alpha Etas [that’s our pledge class]
I immediately write back: Well technically you know if you can do dinner. I don’t understand. What don’t you know? Either you can or you can’t?
[I await in anticipation. I love starting up some action…]
He writes: Well technically I can do whatever I want, whenever I want. Let me clarify, I kinda wanna go to the gym after work, order in Chinese, and then I’d like to meet up.
Just throwing out a recommendation. I think if we pregame somewhere, it’ll be easier to decide on one place we can go out. Rather than complaining let’s just pregame and go out tonight like normal people.
I write back: Yes. Technically you can do whatever you want, whenever you want. But no one cares about that. The question was can you or can’t you go to dinner. Usually normally people say yes or no. Not I don’t know.
‘I don’t know’ wouldn’t work to well on an RSVP…
He writes: You’re a shmuck [Which means he knows he’s wrong. He also always has to have the last word. Which I, of course, call him out on. We then speak and laugh about it.]
This is just an example of guys that love one another breaking chops. And I can’t get enough of it! It’s actually more fun when someone teases you.
Are you really close with the people you think you’re close with? See if you can engage in some banter with your clients. I’ve been very lucky to have some absolutely hilarious clients. And I’ll call them out on their bullshit. But it takes time to get to that point.
It takes being vulnerable!
[Update: A reader writes in, “Just be sure your clients are okay with banter because not everyone likes it.” Absolutely without question! This post is more so for friends and romantic relationships, etc. But if you can engage in some banter with your clients you know you’re extremely close! The best relationships whether work or social are a give and take. A push and pull.]
Why get rich quick schemes don’t exist and how it affects you
I am amazed by how impatient we are when it comes to results for our health and fitness goals.
In fact, it’s scary how fast we expect results!
As we all know (but like to think otherwise) consistency is the key to any kind of success. Of course, it’s also tough to maintain.
That’s where MBT comes in.
We all know this though. Our rational mind doesn’t really believe losing 30 pounds in three days is realistic. (Of course not!)
However, our irrational mind likes to think so. In fact, it’s the same irrational mind that will fall victim to get rich quick schemes.
Get rich quick schemes don’t work!
For as long as there have been (and are) people who want to get rich there will be get rich quick schemes.
But here’s the thing: Get rich quick schemes (as well as diet schemes) exist because people want to believe they exist.
For as long as there are people who want to believe in ‘too good to be true’ claims they’ll always be around.
[When I say diet schemes I mean anything that makes you think it’s too good to be true! Alert: If it feels that way in your gut it’s because it is too good to be true!]
Don’t you think if get rich quick schemes actually existed the seller (who was entrepreneurial enough to buy airtime to share his secret with the world for a small fee of 10 easy payments of $89.95) would instead just hire 1000’s of people at minimum wage to follow his very own ‘step by step full proof method’ and become a billionaire himself?
Think about that? If it was that easy and it required so little work, and work that could be replicated over and over, he’d be able to hire anyone. And just have them follow his method.
But of course, he doesn’t.
There is no such thing as getting rich quick. Nor is there such a thing as losing 30 pounds in three days.
The only way to get rich quick or to lose weight or to accomplish anything worth accomplishing is day by day.
Like I tell my clients: Meal by meal. Workout by workout. Day by day.
Very unsexy but very true.
If you put together 9 ladies it still takes 9 months each to have a baby (and patience).
How come no one questions anything else that takes time and patience and effort? Law school, medical school, grad school, high school, and on and on?
Interestingly, without your health and fitness none of the above means anything.
Get in shape day by day.
Meal by meal, workout by workout, day by day!
[This happened to be yesterday’s Daily Inspiration.]
The paradox of vulnerability in relationships
People fascinate me. Relationships fascinate me more. One of the things I enjoy most about MyBodyTutor is I get to work with such a wide range of people. When I say I’ve helped all types, shapes and sorts of people I mean it.
Which is why a majority of the books I read are sociology, psychology or philosophy books. I can have the best game plan and tools in the world (diet, workout plans, etc.) but if I don’t understand why we (humans) do certain things then all that means nada.
In any real relationship with your friends and especially romantic, you need to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is a key to likability. No one likes dealing with a robot.
Not that you have to complain to be likable but you need to vulnerable somehow. As Penelope advises admit shortcomings, confess stuff (which also builds trust), and ask for advice to name a few.
I think this is true for both friendly and romantic relationships. If you can’t be vulnerable with your friends then they aren’t real friends. Or maybe you’re just scared they’ll judge you. Or maybe you have a hard time opening up and being vulnerable.
(Interestingly enough, it is my clients who are the most open that succeed the most especially those with deep rooted emotional eating issues.)
But if you never let people see the cracks in your surface they’ll never find a way in. And that means you’ll never be really close to anyone.
Did you ever hear the saying, “Never sleep with your hero because you’re only going to be let down?” I think there’s so much truth to this.
On one hand, when relationships first start they are very exciting and new. We are intrigued more and more by the person. We don’t know what to expect. We see them as this God or Goddess. Everything seems so special and it feels so good. Heck, every time we see the person we get to see them in different clothes.
You can call it an adventure. A challenge. You really like the person and you want them to like you back. They feel the same way but you don’t discuss it. Instead, you’re just inseparable. You choose to spend every waking moment together.
Until…the girl or guy says, “I really like you!” Or maybe she/he says, “I love you.”
And then…just like that…the adventure, the thrill, the pursuit, the chase…is over!
Vulnerability (it doesn’t get more vulnerable than telling someone how much you like or love them) ensues.
Maybe the guy starts farting. Maybe the girl starts complaining about things you find ridiculous.
Comfort follows and security takes over.
Now you’re going to the bathroom for 25 minutes at a clip reading your book. Hey, who cares? We’re comfortable with one another. You’re complaining about the dumbest things. You don’t pay much attention to what you’re wearing because you already ‘have’ him/her.
But comfort is the evil of all romantic relationships!
Comfort = security = boredom! (For many)
Did Chris Rock say it best? Married and bored or single and lonely?
In this great NY Magazine piece relationship researcher, Arthur Aron, has pointed out that new experiences, rather than repeated favorites, are the best way to keep romantic feelings alive in a marriage, based on a series of six studies of hundreds of couples.
But still…you know the person. Doing loads of unimportant tasks doesn’t make them important. Doing all sorts of cool things with the same person doesn’t make you know the person any less!
It’s the less that is more. It’s the less that is so sexy and so intriguing…
Or is it not?